And yes, we’ve all had these fantasies.

A special thanks to Alexis (formerly of Magnum Boots USA…sniffle) for reminding me of this gem!

Photo courtesy of Flickr and Windsor Express

I have incredible timing.  Call it the luck of the Irish.  Although, I’m Scottish (Clan Gunn…how’s that for badass irony?).

Case in point, I hear the following all the time:

“I always (insert compliance with vehicle code).”

Also frequently heard:

“I never (insert violation of vehicle code).”

I’m pretty sure I’ve posted about absolutes before, but this is as good a time as any to review them.

When you use words like always and never, you are painting yourself into one tiny-ass little corner of the ether, friends.  We are all human and tend to have our little quirks, foibles, and mistakes.  So using an absolute is a pretty huge statement.  As it happens, it is also usually crap.

Where does the luck come in, you ask?

I have an uncanny ability to find you when you make that one mistake you’ve never, ever made in your entire life before I happened to see you not wearing a seatbelt or talking on your cell phone or speeding or wearing a glasses that have a temple width of one-half inch or more if any part of such temple extends below the horizontal center of the lens so as to interfere with lateral vision.

I’m totally gonna try to find that last one, by the by.

The stop has been known to happen like this:

MC:  Do you know why I stopped you?

AAV (Absolutely A Violator): No, sir.

MC: You weren’t wearing your seatbelt (or any other violation).

AAV: I always wear it!

MC: Unfortunately, you weren’t when I saw you.

AAV: But, I only took it off for a second to retrieve a five-spot for the homeless cuddly blind orphaned nun on whom you should have mercy.

MC: Right.

AAV: Officer, you may not believe this…

MC nodding in agreement

AAV: …but I am such a nazi*about wearing my seatbelt.  I’ve never done it before!

It seems I catch dozens of people a week that have their personal houses in alignment with Jupiter and the fates have conspired against them and, although they always comply, in a moment of weakness no doubt inspired by Beelzebub himself, I swoop in and coincidentally take advantage of the one time in their lives they’ve ever done the very thing (or don’t do the very thing) they’ve dedicated their very lives to insure they do (or don’t do) without fail and damn the torpedoes!

If I didn’t think the lottery was a tax on the poor and uninformed, I’d go buy myself a damn ticket.  I’m the luckiest freaking dude on this rock!

*Why do people align themselves with genocidal maniacs when it comes to being dedicated to something, by the way?  Is that weird or is it just me?

Photo Courtesy of Flickr and FarhadFarhad 

I’ve told myself and anyone else who’ll listen that I love what I do too much to leave it.  I’m good at what I do and it’s fun.  A lot of fun. Then, my idiot buddy plants a thought in my head and I bring it home to the Wife.  We talk about it.  We pray about it.  Then, on a Sunday (in church, of course), I feel a sense of peace about the decision.

I’m taking the test.  I mean, if Happy Medic can promote, it can’t be all that hard, right?

My thought process follows a certain logic, albeit tainted MC logic, but logic(ish) nonetheless.  I’d stand to get a decent raise which would mean less OT away from the family.  I’ve got a ridiculous amount of training in all things Traffic and I could be a huge asset as a supervisor.  My ultimate goal, of course, would be to get a Traffic Sgt. position in which I’d still get the opportunity to do what I love: Ride and Crush Souls Increase Traffic Safety.

As with anything, there are drawbacks.  Two big ones are easy: no more motorcycle and (possibly) a lousy schedule.  As with anything else in our lives, though, the Wife summed it up nicely when she told me, “Honey, we’ll make it work.”  She’s a peach, that one.

So, my friends, I’d ask for a simple favor.  Be patient with me and my stunted posting.  In addition to preparing for the Sgt. exam, I shall be meeting with the Powers That Be soon regarding our new Social Media policy, as well, so if you like what you read here, feel free to leave a comment so I can show them the benefits of the blog.  My hope is that they see things the way I do with respect to my musing here at MCPD.

The exam is in the Spring, so I will be devoting some time to studying.  If it’s anything like college, I should be around a .12 and cramming about 30 minutes before the midterm.

I promise to keep you apprised about the test and the results of the meeting with PTB!  If you are so inclined, please to keep me in your prayers.  If I’m supposed to do this, I have every confidence that it will happen.  With regard to PTB, I have the same opinion.  If I’m supposed to continue writing, God’ll find a way to work it out.  I feel pretty confident that I can work a mutually beneficial deal regarding the blog…even if it means taking a different tack.

Photo courtesy of Flickr and maco56

I don’t have that particular affliction.

At any rate, she posted about it on the Book of Face and received a myriad of reactions ranging from “do nothing, they know where you live” to say “my husband has a gun and a shovel…I doubt anyone would miss you”.  The latter was my personal favorite.  I got to thinking about what I would have done had I been with her/near her.

As with anything, there is what I would have liked to have done and what I would probably have done.  I have been known to be quick to act/speak in the past and sometimes it’s a good thing…other times, not so much.  My initial reaction would have been to slam on the brakes and jump out of my car and get up in their face(s) but quick.  No one treats the Wife that way.  No one.I was once at a park with the family and there were a bunch of teenagers and they were yelling the f-bomb and the n-word like it was going out of style.  There were a ton of little kids at the park.  Consequently, there were a ton of adults at the park.  Not one of them did/said a damn thing.

Again, I don’t have that particular affliction.

I may not have handled it the best way, I’ll admit, but I handled it and they didn’t continue their behavior.  In my opinion, the problem was solved.  A while later, a dad came over to me and said I should be careful in dealing with teenagers because someone may think I was harassing them.

Really?!?  This is partly what is wrong with this country.

Now, let’s back up to those punk kids on my street.  What should have happened was they should have been drug by their ear back home and plopped in front of mom and dad.  If the parents are any kind of parents, they’d have handled business from there.  If not,  then perhaps a brief legal lesson regarding CA Penal Code 415(3) would be in order.  I can assure you the gesture was “inherently likely to provoke an immediate violent reaction”.  PC 415 (3) requires the use of offensive words, but I’d argue that gestures communicate just as much as words.

That incident got me to thinking about how sad today’s culture (both public and within police work) has become.  We’re so scared of offending someone’s tender sensibilities that we are left with inaction.  God forbid we hurt someone’s feelings.  My goodness, how will their fragile psyche ever recover?

Back in the day, it would have been no problem to grab up little Johnny and drag his happy little ass back to his parents by the ear and tell them what happened.  His parents would have given Johnny a well deserved smack and made him regret his actions toward a lady.  These days?  Heavens, you can’t put your hands on a child.  Parents are too afraid to discipline their children with simple consequences.  You can forget corporal punishment.

Let’s talk about law enforcement for a second.  Used to be you had to have thick skin to be a cop because the teasing was relentless. Now though?  Goodness gracious, we don’t want people to get emotionally damaged!  What if they end up in therapy?  My stars, the humanity.  What if you read something about yourself on a website?  What if the public makes fun of you?  What if *gasp* a blogger calls you out on something?  Would your reaction be appropriate or would your whining drown out all other sounds around you?

In my opinion, a good teasing is a great sign of camaraderie.  I’m not talking malicious hazing, I’m talking about simple teasing.  If you can hack it, it goes to show that you not only have a sense of humor (an incredibly important part of police work, if you ask me), but that you can be part of a team.

I have a nickname that was granted to me about eight years ago after I admittedly did something dumb/silly (note: I didn’t say dangerous and/or illegal).  And no, I won’t tell you what it is or what I did, so don’t ask, smarty pants.  I will only say it wasn’t a big deal and the joke/prank was funny.  Sufficed to say, I embraced it because a) I deserved it and b) to get bent out of shape about it would have been tantamount to showing I couldn’t handle the pressure.

If you can’t handle the pressure of a little good-natured teasing, how can we expect you to handle the pressure of a serious situation?

The direction society is going is frightening.  It hasn’t changed overnight.  Instead, it has been a steady decline in which parents are afraid to react, people on the street are afraid to react to something for fear of retaliation, and cops themselves are handcuffed in how they can handle situations both in the street and in the PD.

Does this post solve anything?  Nope.  But my sensibilities feel lighter after offloading them.  They’re much less tender now.

Image courtesy of Flickr and macbooklw

On occasion, though, I get my favorite response: The Bizarro Statute of Limitations.

*Lately, I have been eating up The Walking Dead on AMC (Shame on you if you haven’t been watching).  This brilliant show has been followed immediately by Comic Book Men with Kevin Smith.  It has rekindled my love of comics.  Thus, Bizarro.

For those of you lacking in comic knowledge, Bizarro world (or Htrae…figure it out) is a fictional planet in which opposites rule  (layman’s terms).  Follow the link for more info.  The point is that our understanding of the statute of limitations is basically that once x-number of years has passed, one can no longer be prosecuted for a given crime.

Well, in Bizarro world, the statute of limitations is where one hasn’t received a citation in so long, that one is entitled to an automatic freebie.

The interaction will go something like this:

MC: Any tickets in the last 18 months?

BV (Bizarro Violator): I haven’t had a ticket in over 10 years!!

MC (What I’d like to say version 1): That was a nice run.

MC (What I’d like to say version 2): Guess you just haven’t been caught.

MC (What I usually say…at least before the *): Excellent, that means you’ll be eligible for Traffic School.  *Cue game show music and sultry hostess.  Today, you’ll be allowed to attend one of umpteen million different traffic schools.  Like comedy?  We’ve got you covered?  Love deep dish pizza?  We can make that happen.  Are you a mom on the go?  We have our home online version just for you.

Folks, there is no clock on your car that displays how long it’s been since your last (if ever) ticket.  I applaud you if it’s been eons since you last had to sign a citation.  Truly.  Kudos.  Well played.  Unfortunately, if you get stopped…you still deserve it.

Image courtesy of Flickr and Corey’s Toybox

If you could give ONE piece of advice to a rookie MC, what would it be?

My first reaction was one?!?  Dude, I know you’ve read the blog before.  You know I go on and on about all kinds of crap.  You want me to limit it to one?!?

If this was a democracy and the will of the people had spoken, I would solemnly hang my head and abide; however, that is not the case.  I run a ruthless dictatorship and make up the rules as I go.  Consequently, I’m sort of going to answer Eric’s question about ONE piece, but I’m totally going to bastardize it and cheat because I can.

So, you know…pthbthbthbthbthb.

I will answer Eric’s simple question with a simple answer.  My one piece of advice to a rookie MC is simply this: Be safe.

“C’mon, MC!” you say, “that’s a total cop-out!”

A) You’re not as clever as you think using the term “cop-out”.

B) Get out of my living room.

C) Allow me to elaborate.

Statistically speaking, being a motor officer is one of the most dangerous positions in law enforcement.  Simply riding a motorcycle is dangerous, but when you add police work on top, it gets significantly more so.  Again, statistics will tell you that the most dangerous calls a cop can handle is a traffic stop and a domestic violence detail.  A motor officer will typically make (and cite) more traffic stops in any given month than most beat cops will in any given quarter…or an entire year.  If we repeatedly are doing some of the more dangerous things, odds are stacking against us constantly.

One of the benefits of being on the motor is traffic is much less of an issue for us.  Consequently, we are often cover for beat cops on domestic violence calls.  One of the drawbacks of being on the motor is traffic much less of an issue for us because consequently we are often cover for beat cops on domestic violence calls.

My point is that your average motor officer may run the risk of being in the line of fire more often; thus, we need to be constantly more aware of our surroundings.  In keeping with the “Be safe” advice I offer the following steps:

1) Don’t be a defensive driver.  Be offensive.  (That’s OFFensive, not ofFENsive).  People in cars won’t see you.  Your head should constantly be on a swivel.  You’re looking for violations all the time as you tool around town anyway…so multitask.  Make sure the dude next to you is off the cell, has his seat belt on, and doesn’t look like he’s gonna turn his tuna boat of a car into the space you currently occupy.  You can’t afford to have tunnel vision anymore.

2) Passenger side approach.  Most people expect the driver’s side approach.  Which is a great reason to walk up on their blind side. Gives you the advantage of surprise and you can check out the interior of the car and the driver’s hands (and passenger’s if there are any) before they know you’re there.  Not to mention this…another reason I don’t like driver’s side approaches.  Or freeway stops for that matter.

3) Head and Eyes.  You learned it in Motor School.  Never forget it.  Your bike is going to go where you are looking.  Don’t look at the retaining wall.  It will suck.

4) Carry a digital recorder (if your department doesn’t have cameras on the motors).  Use it.  Every time.  It will save your ass.

5) Train as often as you can.  If your department doesn’t make it a priority, be the squeaky wheel.  If that doesn’t do the trick or the staffing leaves much to be desired and it simply isn’t feasible, nothing says you can’t do a handful of 360s in the parking lot before you go 10-8.  Practice balance at a stop sign.  Come to a stop without putting your foot down.  Try some slow speed drills.  Anyone can ride fast in a straight line.  The challenge comes in heavy traffic when you have to really slow down and pay attention.

6) When you’re writing your cites out, make sure you pay attention to what’s going on in the stopped vehicle every so often.  Is there lots of furtive movements going on?  Is the driver still in the car?  Nothing will get your blood pressure up like hearing “Excuse me, officer” from the driver.  Who is standing right next to you.  That you never heard/saw get out of the car.

So, there you have it…a shotgun blast approach to my ONE piece of advice for a rookie motor.

Thanks for playing, Eric!

Oh, your prize?  You get to see your name on the blog.  Winner!

I actually saw them play in a few different venues and met them through a friend of a friend.  Just a heads up, when the lead singer of a band sees you at the bar and says, “Hey (MC’s real name)!  Thanks for coming up for the show, man!” it goes a long way to impress the chick you were just throwing around the dance floor.

God bless Scotty Morris.

Sadly, The Derby (the movie and real life location BBVD played frequently) is now a freaking Citibank.  Pardon me whilst my twenty-something self dies a little inside.

When I stop you, at least be sure the person whose name you are about to drop still actually works there.

First off, I don’t care who you know.  Neither you nor they are above the law.  Simply knowing someone who happens to work at the same place I do means nothing to me and will not immediately guarantee you a warning.  As a matter of fact, it may encourage me in the opposite direction.  A direction I naturally lean anyway, by the way.  Do I always give a ticket to someone who knows a mutual friend/acquaintance?  No.  Do I always let them slide?  Nope.

You know what will more likely get you out of a ticket?  Brace yourself….

Honesty.

Feel free to take a moment to recover and then continue reading.

An old-school concept to be sure, but nonetheless much more successful.  When you get stopped, instead of trying to dig up that chick’s name you dated back in high school that you are pretty sure became a cop and might work at the same place I do, why not go with something more along the lines of, “I f’d up.”  You don’t even have to know what it was you f’d up.  Just show some damn backbone.

Secondly, not only do I not care who you know, but I find it uproariously amusing when you drop a name of someone who has literally been gone for years.  Seems you and ol’ what’s-his-face weren’t so chummy after all seeing as you have no clue where he’s currently employed.

Thirdly, there are ways to deliver your newly discovered news that we may share an acquaintance.  An additional hint: smarmy (see also: douchy) deliveries are not the way to go.  Neither is the “Hey doesn’t my life long pal out rank you” vibe.  Just a heads up.

Finally, if you failed the first three steps, I will congratulate you on one thing.  You have provided me with blog fodder.

In the words of Daniel Tosh…and for that, we thank you.

Anybody every try to name drop on you for a favor?

The gist of the incident is that Ofr. Covarrubias was suspected of having a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old female who, perhaps not so coincidentally, was also in the Santa Maria PD Explorer program.  Both Covarrubias and the girl were assigned to a DUI enforcement night.

A lieutenant with Santa Maria PD was told the Explorer would be called away during the DUI enforcement to make a “pretext call”.  For some reason, the commanding officer of the enforcement night told all the officers present that she would be called away for an investigation.  Covarrubias was present.

The long and short of it is that they attempted to bring Covarrubias into custody during the DUI night.  At some point, he drew his weapon, fired four shots (reportedly at nothing in particular) and then pointed his weapon at his friend, fellow officer, and recent best man forcing his friend to shoot him.

Investigations would later reveal that Covarrubias had texted that he’d rather die than go to jail.

Now, let me be clear, I know nothing more about this incident than what I’ve read on the above links. so my opinion is based on nothing more.  I have no direct knowledge of the investigation or any parties involved.

That being said, it seems like there are all kinds of questions that need to be asked.  I can’t help but wonder if the lieutenant mentioned in the column and the commanding officer were one and the same.  If that is the case, how could that lieutenant not know who was present at the DUI enforcement and who was the target of the pretext call being made.

It is unfortunate, but not all that uncommon, that in a larger agency, the left hand may not know what the right hand is doing.  I understand the occasional need for secrecy, especially considering the nature of both the crime in question and the suspect, but wouldn’t that fall on the heads of those leading that organization and/or division?  Who knows if that was the case here, but it certainly has me wondering.

Secondly, who made the call to do all this in conjunction with a DUI enforcement?  Those are dangerous enough as it is.  Adding multiple levels of investigation that have nothing to do with DUI enforcement only adds to the danger.

And what of the poor officer that shot and killed his friend?  That poor guy had nothing to do with any of this.  The way the columns read, it seems to me that Covarrubias put his friend in the worst possible place and forced him to shoot.  What a terrible burden for his friend to carry for the rest of his life…and I don’t think the man had a choice.  It seems clear to me (again based on what I’ve read) that Covarrubias was determined to commit suicide by cop.

And by the way, why wasn’t Covarrubias wearing a vest?  According to reports, he was shot in the chest and died from his wounds.

I’m sure this investigation is nowhere near over and lawsuits a-plenty will be filed.  The responsibility lies somewhere and I’m glad it isn’t up to me to wade through it.  Situations like this will divide a department, destroy families, and may result in years of drawn out litigation.

The forseeable future is bleak for Santa Maria PD.  There is sure to be plenty of finger-pointing, blaming, and scrutiny like they’ve never experienced before.  All I can do is pray for the officers in that jurisdiction to find their way clear to continue to fight the good fight and uphold the law as they swore to do.

I wish them good luck and God speed.

Image courtesy of Flickr and Navymailman

Absolute brilliance.  I bought the entire album based on “The Cave” and I was not disappointed.  Just about every track on this record speaks to me.

Who knew an upright bass, banjo, guitar, keyboard, and a kick drum could rock so damn hard?