By now, you all know me well enough to know that I can spin a yarn or two. Sure, I have a minor ability to make what may very well be a boring traffic-related story into something a little more entertaining when I include my inner dialog. That being said, though, you should also know that the basis behind the stories I tell you are factual. In other words, I’m not good enough to make this shit up. These stories involve your fellow man (gender neutral, of course).
Keep that in mind when you read the following. Earlier this month, I was dispatched to a pretty spectacular solo vehicle collision. Nothing particularly sexy about it, though. New teenage driver looking to make a lane change looked over her right shoulder. This seemingly innocuous move caused her to gently (and naturally) pulled the wheel to the left. Try it yourself (when safe, of course). If your left hand is on the wheel at around the 10 o’clock position, give a good head turn to the right and see if your hand doesn’t naturally pull the wheel counter clockwise. Her result? WHAM…right into a tree.
At any rate, my partner, DogBoy (our K9), and I were in the midst of the wreckage when a car headed in the opposite direction asked us, “What happened?”
I’m not kidding.
Really? What happened? Apparently, your observational skills suck on ice. Can you not see the complete destruction of what used to be a brand new Toyota Camry? Can you not see the tree seriously listing to one side?
Questions like this are so very irritating for a number of reasons. First, you look like a complete moron. It couldn’t be more obvious what happened, for crying out loud. Second, you’re a rubber necker. I f’n hate rubber neckers. You know what they cause? Other f’n collisions! Those LEOs that read this blog can attest to that very fact. Finally, asking a question like that makes you look like a complete moron.
Yes, I realize I said that one twice. Remember something, folks…they’re morons. They need to be reminded repeatedly. Repetition is key.
The best part of the story is my partner’s and my response to the question. What happened?
DogBoy: Plane Crash.
MC: Meteor Strike.
Even Fire laughed. Although the Capt. told us later the driver called us assholes. I’ll go ahead and chalk that up to it taking one to know one.
I f'n hate rubberneckers, too … all they do is hold up traffic even more, the asshats. I've got to get to WORK, people! MOVE ALONG!
I Love it!!!!!
"Aliens. Can't talk about it."
LOOOOOOOVE the public. Job security!
MC genius retort!! As your resident emergency traffic camera operator f-in rubber neckers are guaranteed to cause more accidents. Or even in the slow moving traffic backup from the initial accident. And the assinine moves I see people do to get around the accident…morons is putting it nicely. police dispatch generally calls them twits…
That is great.
"Magnetic tree. There's another one around the bend, watch out."
"The tree has rabies- attacked this poor girl's car. We'll have to have it put down." ;.>
Brilliant snappy retort. Love it.
Note to self:
Do not engage any police officers in any conversation unless there's an emergency. That seems to be the walk-away on this one MC. What say you? Any room for the general public out there for you guys other than as a revenue stream?
MC I have trouble figuring you out. One minute I'm floored by your humanity and then I read something like this.
But I guess that's the point of a blog, you get to vent here instead of going all Rodney King on someone if they look at ya funny.
Be safe.
Atticus…
I am a conundrum wrapped in a puzzle wrapped in an enigma with just a hint of cynical fuckery. I'm just trying to keep you on your toes.
In this particular case, it was obvious what had happened and this particular driver should have been more concerned with operating her own vehicle instead of what happened to someone else's is all.
As per usual, I merely ask for some simple common sense.
If it is safe when they stop and ask tell them to pull over have them exit the vehicle and give them a "tour" of the scene explaining everything in detail including the math equations. Yeah, I got chewed out but but the laugh we all got was well worth it.
"In this particular case, it was obvious what had happened and this particular driver should have been more concerned with operating her own vehicle instead of what happened to someone else's is all.
As per usual, I merely ask for some simple common sense."
I'd have to disagree on that one… You happen to know more about traffic accidents and the likely causes of the above than the vast majority of cops, let alone the general public.
Certainly, the cause for someone blissfully crossing the oncoming traffic lane and slamming straight into a tree would not be half as obvious as you make it out to be, unless it's an obvious VC23152a+b or the driver is a woman.
Now that you explained it, I do remember having to unlearn the similar reflex when I was learning to drive. These days, however, I flick my head to check the mirror plus the blind spot first, and then actually roll the opposite shoulder INTO the turn.
My response is usually akin to "Car ran into a tree, and you're holding up traffic."
Remember the old MAD Magazine "Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions"?
"Have an accident?"
"No thanks, I've got one already…"
My favorite answer: "Submarine accident".
Gawd I hate those morons.
Here in Metro Atlanta the innoculous response "shark attack" works well. (I also love when someone says "OMG is everything ok?" to which I reply "No" and keep on walking. would we be here lights-a-flashing if everything were A-Ok? *Facepalm*)